# 35

Life. What's the meaning of life. That's not really a question... I don't think. Is it to merely exist or survive? Or is it more? What is the purpose of your life? How did you get here? Why are you here? Boy, I'm full of questions today. I may have a few answers. Yes you lucky eight people who follow me will find out the meaning of life.

I know I exist for one reason. Selfishness. About 26 years ago, two people felt the need to feel extreme euphoria, then the condom broke. So here I sit, having to deal with the fact that my parents at some point had sex. I try to figure out why I am the way I am. Why I have to deal with the consequences of how two people decided I should be raised.

So back to meaning. There's a theory that this supreme being put us here and allowed us to multiply because we're weak and feel loneliness. "I'm lonely... I think I'll stick my dick in her" And so the madness began.

I was watching something, maybe the World's Most Amazing Events or some retardly uninteresting educational show, that goes against everything I was taught. The "amazing events" really got me thinking. There's a purpose for damn near every animal on this planet. Mostly, they serve to feed one another. But some, like Hippos help to irrigate the land. So then what is the purpose of land? Do you see how this gets confusing? Well the land feeds the herbivores and the herbivores feed the carnivores, in some instances the carnivores feed each other. Some are cannibals. So basically every animals purpose is to eat.

So you may ask yourself 2 things: 1. where am I going with all this elementary nonsense and 2. what does this have to do with me. Well, first I'm just trying to show you how smart I am. I can converse with a 6 year old. I know, it's pretty amazing. Second, nothing. Nothing really.

I guess what I don't get is how scientists and biologists and other-ists can stalk animals and figure out their purpose. But when I have a stalker I call the police. Oops, maybe that was a scientist trying to figure out the meaning of my life.

I know the purpose of my life is to be happy. Which still goes back to selfishness. But most people find happiness in material things or other people. Happiness is something I believe is a choice. So if I can choose to be happy and then I don't need you, or food or a car or cute clothes.

Crap. Before I could tell you my theory about life, I just proved it wrong. Right there in those last few sentences. Now I'm even more confused. I'll have to get back to you on the meaning of life.

# 30

So I'm obsessed with Natalie Dee... like you can't tell. And maybe I'm a little late getting to the party, but whatev. So so so fucking happy it's Friday. Been a busy week, I know you have all missed my mind-blowing posts, just stay on the edge of your seat... I'm sure to disappoint momentarily.

# 29

I've been spending the better half of the day searching random words on Natalie Dee. Go ahead an give it a whirl, you won't regret it.

# 28

Funny Fucking Shit Friday...

If you've seen my blog, or read it you know tact and class are words even super trailer park white trash would not use to describe me... So if you're offended easily... wait, what the hell are you doing here. Go find some Jesus blog to read.

Without further... erm adoouu... uh edeww... you get it, right... Here's some Funny (Fucked Up) Fucking Shit.








Ok, really. Breathe. I had to remind myself to breathe. So many things wrong with this picture. Not only does it look like my BFF but really? It's like from the 80's and how did it get on the internet now? I know if I was her I'd be pissed. Unless this is some sweet ass party trick and she posted this shit. Then amen sister, you are my new hero... no over here, hey I'm over here...

I just love these little guys. I mean they're so cute and mean and perverted and raunchy and just great... *resists urge to post 18 Cyanide & Happiness comics*

Now here's some parenting I can get with...

Hope you have a wonderful fucking Friday...

# 26

FutureMe.org

What a great site. You can write letters to your future self. I've been doing it for about a year now and it's amazing how I always tell myself exactly what I need to hear. I got an email from my past self today...

Dear FutureMe,

Hey today's Kelly's birthday, don't forget!

So how's the new place with Alan? Have you got it all fixed up yet? Get those boxes out of the house!!! now! Un pack them already! Get organized.

Did you get a bunch of shit for Christmas that you won't use??? Hey just be grateful that there are people who thought of you, you ungrateful bitch!

Are you still working at the same place? Wishing you worked somewhere else? I bet, you always do.

Have you pretended to make resolutions, to which you will never keep, or did you just not even kid yourself this year? Get off your ass, use the fitness center...

Are you still a coupon whore? I bet... Why don't you try putting the money you save into your savings?! Huh what a fucking concept! Get on that shit yo, like today. You might have a vacation one day.

Ok, quit being so hard on yourself... it's tough love and you know you love you... whoa that's not confusing.

Do something nice for yourself today. And for him.

xoxoxo

And there you have it you. Go ahead write yourself a letter, you know you want to... What would you tell yourself a year from now?

# 21

Christmas Eve Eve. Thank god I didn't have any money this year and was done shopping 2 weeks ago. I'm usually one of those crazy bitches running around buying more useless crap for people I only see once a year. Then I'm disappointed when my well thought out, well planned gift, obviously bought from Walgreens and quite possibly torn from a five year old's hands doesn't produce the tears of joy I was expecting.

Christmas used to be fun and I know what happened. First I found out Santa was a big fat lie. Then my greedy ass pretended to believe until I was 11 or 12 so I'd get more presents. Then my parents divorced, score two Christmas'! Wrong, my dad remarried to some gold diggin white trash bar whore and her kids got TV's & CD players. When ended up with fucking mini skirts and coloring books from Family Dollar. No more badass stockings from my mom... Then I moved out on my own and had bills.

Christmas is like sex. I used to shave, shower, brush my teeth, floss and put on clean panties... Now I roll over with morning breath, matted hair and a giant bush.

Okay, not really, but maybe you get the point.

# 19.5

I finished his stocking last night. I picked up one of these little manikin guys and UNO. Oh and some slippers, which were way to big to fit inside*.

Don't mind me as I use this outlet to kill more time and make this a successfully unproductive day...

Go on, put the 'Ho' in Holiday with these nifty Holiday pick up lines that are sure to be a hit at any company Holiday party. That is assuming that your company is having a Holiday party; I mean after all they did freeze your salary, stop matching your 401k and stopped buying coffee for the office*.

• Wanna stuff my stocking?
• How about you slip down my chimney?
• I'm gonna bring joy to your world*
• I have a mistletoe belt.
• I have something for you to unwrap.
• How about some dark meat?
• Want to deck my halls?
• I see you when you're sleeping...
• Is that a candy cane in your pocket? Oh shit... that's sad.
• My vagina smells like Fabreze*

* That's what she said
* Why do I still work here?
* and by world, I mean cock.
* Yes, you're right, that has nothing to do with Christmas.

#19

It's that time again! Fuckin Funny Shit Friday.
I haven't been nearly offensive or inappropriate enough this week. So Enjoy.


Hey the cute little stick girl with a lop-sided rack read my mind... Fuck Yea!











... Wait those IS Goats?!










This is why I stopped selling Mary Kay...


Not only are the matching outfits over the top, wait wait, do their earrings match too? For the love of Allah... I mean isn't enough that they all have the same hairdresser. Miss "T" looks like she might have shit herself; she's worried because now their getup's don't match. Miss "G" is gonna get it when Miss OCD "I" sees that her G is not straight and her right arm is in the shot. COME ON Miss G, get it together! Oh right, she's a G, she can do that. I'm not even gonna touch the 50 year old Brittney Spears. Not. Gonna. Do. It.



Well kiddos, I figured I'd spare us all another holiday post (don't hold your breathe, I feel a # 19.5 comin on) Enjoy your day, do what want, wear what you want and act like no one's looking.
That is how we become famous on the Internet...

# 15

The polls are in, your voices have been heard... all 5 of you!

Your favorite thing about the holidays are:

1. No Work (Sounds like my kind of people)
2. Gifts (Giving or getting?... we'll never know)
3. Seeing Family, Shopping/Sales & it looks like we have a Grinch lurking around these parts...

Keep your eyes peeled for another poll coming soon, I know you're bursting at the seams with anticipation...

# 10

I love how most blogs have those great posts like: Wordless Wednesday, Manic Monday, Etc, Etc... I am not that consistent. I did have that one Fucking Funny Shit Friday, but it was only that once.

So all morning I have been trying to come up with a witty little Wednesday post... Oooh Witty Wednesday, I hadn't even thought of that. *ponders*

*done pondering*

So I had thought of maybe: Wacky, Wishful Thinking, Wandering Thoughts, WTF... I could go on and on and pollute the Internet that much more, but I won't. And furthermore I won't even really post anything of substance. Maybe I should have posted this yesterday for Thank God It's Not Monday, Tuesday.

So thanks for tuning in for Witty Wonderfully Wacky... Wait is it Wednesday??

# 8

Oops. I forget I have a blog sometimes. I know all my devoted followers check obsessively for new posts each day, sorry to disappoint.

The day after hump day always leaves me feeling a little worn out, relieved and excited.

I'm worn out from the lack of sleep I've gotten this week. I've laid awake almost night while my mind whores around. From this weekend until the end of the year my calendar is completely full. I don't think I could cram one more thing in if I had too... that sounds dirty, I like it.

I'm relieved that it's almost the weekend. I've been helping plan this Halloween party and I can't wait for it to be over with. Just a few more days. I have in fact changed costume ideas, for the 3rd time, and as of this moment it's up in the air.

I'm mostly excited today; payday is tomorrow and I need groceries. It's sad how excited I get to grocery shop, but when you're fucking Kroger on the regular how could you not be excited.

So there you go, another meaningless post about random shit that doesn't make a difference and only serves to help me pass time.

# 7

Fuckin Funny Shit Friday:

Talk to God

I realize this may offend some people, but then again I don't really care. My sense of humor really knows no bounds. I am in no shape or form religious. I do believe in something higher, just not any God that this world deems acceptable. I guess I should take my own advice when it comes to appropriate work conversation (no politics, religion, etc) and apply that to my blog... but where's the fun in that.

So my conversation with iGod went a little something like...

Me: for real
God:Existing in reality, eh?
Me: fo sho
God:That
remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about Gay sex with Jesus.

That God-guy is a funny mother fucker...

# 3

Gotta love Mercury in Retrograde. I'm holding on tight and focusing on the positives. Yea my cell phone my be acting wonky; dropped calls, randomly shutting off, etc. , but I'm going to hold on tight for the ride. I just kind of laugh when I hear about phones, computers and other electronics going hay wire during this time. I mean really, if that's the worst then I think I can endure it.

However, this retrograde falls under a Venus-Libra something-or-another. Don't get me wrong I only half know what I'm talking about. But Venus is the planet of love and beauty and Libra is the sign of relationships and balance. I read an article the other day that suggest I make a list of all the positive things I love about relationships; any relationships! So I made my list yesterday and I will read it everyday and add to it. By focusing on all the good, it's kind of hard to worry about the bad.

I don't believe that Mercury in Retrograde has to be a bad thing. Mercury is our universe’s lovely little winged messenger. It influences communication, travel and education. I remind myself to laugh with Mercury as conversations go awry, as traffic backs up and when I can't seem to wrap my head around anything. I've learned that getting frustrated only makes it seems less tolerable. So I smile and roll with the punches.

Mercury is my little friend in the sky who enjoys mischief and shenanigans just as much as I do. For those of you who want to know more than my jacked up interpretation, Google it! But maybe you should wait until Oct. 18th, when the affects of wear off; or you may not learn much.