# 35

Life. What's the meaning of life. That's not really a question... I don't think. Is it to merely exist or survive? Or is it more? What is the purpose of your life? How did you get here? Why are you here? Boy, I'm full of questions today. I may have a few answers. Yes you lucky eight people who follow me will find out the meaning of life.

I know I exist for one reason. Selfishness. About 26 years ago, two people felt the need to feel extreme euphoria, then the condom broke. So here I sit, having to deal with the fact that my parents at some point had sex. I try to figure out why I am the way I am. Why I have to deal with the consequences of how two people decided I should be raised.

So back to meaning. There's a theory that this supreme being put us here and allowed us to multiply because we're weak and feel loneliness. "I'm lonely... I think I'll stick my dick in her" And so the madness began.

I was watching something, maybe the World's Most Amazing Events or some retardly uninteresting educational show, that goes against everything I was taught. The "amazing events" really got me thinking. There's a purpose for damn near every animal on this planet. Mostly, they serve to feed one another. But some, like Hippos help to irrigate the land. So then what is the purpose of land? Do you see how this gets confusing? Well the land feeds the herbivores and the herbivores feed the carnivores, in some instances the carnivores feed each other. Some are cannibals. So basically every animals purpose is to eat.

So you may ask yourself 2 things: 1. where am I going with all this elementary nonsense and 2. what does this have to do with me. Well, first I'm just trying to show you how smart I am. I can converse with a 6 year old. I know, it's pretty amazing. Second, nothing. Nothing really.

I guess what I don't get is how scientists and biologists and other-ists can stalk animals and figure out their purpose. But when I have a stalker I call the police. Oops, maybe that was a scientist trying to figure out the meaning of my life.

I know the purpose of my life is to be happy. Which still goes back to selfishness. But most people find happiness in material things or other people. Happiness is something I believe is a choice. So if I can choose to be happy and then I don't need you, or food or a car or cute clothes.

Crap. Before I could tell you my theory about life, I just proved it wrong. Right there in those last few sentences. Now I'm even more confused. I'll have to get back to you on the meaning of life.

# 22.5

So Christmas was great and I'm not gonna be all retarded like and spout off all the cool shit I got. Unless you want me to. My Aunt gave me a gift card to Bath & Body Works so I went there on my lunch break.

First I have to say after Christmas sales rock my mother fucking socks. I got 4 of those awesome hand soaps for $10.01. That should last me a while.

Second, Jasmine Vanilla Aromatherapy scented crap makes my panties wet. Drip. For real. I think I will go to Bath & Body Works everyday on my lunch break and use their yummy lotion and body spray. My hands smell so amazing that I didn't want to wash them after I pottied. Really. Fuck it if I peed all over them, they smell fucking great. I did however pretend to wash them, I ran the water, picked at this stupid fucking zit and turned the water off. Now I have puss and piss on my hand, but they smell fucking fantastic. To bad they don't make jasmine vanilla antibacterial gel stuff. Would it gross you out less if I just used that stuff?

If you would like to send above mentioned products I can give you my address. Or you could just go smell them yourself and not wash your hands.

# 19.5

I finished his stocking last night. I picked up one of these little manikin guys and UNO. Oh and some slippers, which were way to big to fit inside*.

Don't mind me as I use this outlet to kill more time and make this a successfully unproductive day...

Go on, put the 'Ho' in Holiday with these nifty Holiday pick up lines that are sure to be a hit at any company Holiday party. That is assuming that your company is having a Holiday party; I mean after all they did freeze your salary, stop matching your 401k and stopped buying coffee for the office*.

• Wanna stuff my stocking?
• How about you slip down my chimney?
• I'm gonna bring joy to your world*
• I have a mistletoe belt.
• I have something for you to unwrap.
• How about some dark meat?
• Want to deck my halls?
• I see you when you're sleeping...
• Is that a candy cane in your pocket? Oh shit... that's sad.
• My vagina smells like Fabreze*

* That's what she said
* Why do I still work here?
* and by world, I mean cock.
* Yes, you're right, that has nothing to do with Christmas.

# 12

Black Friday - Cyber Monday... blah blah blah. The names we've given these days sound really umm politically correct. I'm one of those folks who won't be caught dead anywhere on Black Friday other than my house or a Starbucks. Fuck the holiday rush and these crazy mo-fo's who find it necessary to maul each other over sale prices. I did however do a little cybering today. giggle. Only after my boss said:

"Oh yea, it's Cyber Monday... better not buy anything on-line today, they'll be keeping a close eye on us"

No I'm not defiant... oh well... here's the Etsy goods I got:

From Dee at Barefoot Bath and Body, for gift baskets for the ladies...

must.

actually.

give.

these.

away.

From standard, for me and 2 dear friends... maybe. I'm so selfish.

From the Amazing Tina Carroll, for me, my guy and our new apartment... hello wall of art.

From Flapperdoodle, for me, the guy and the apartment... wall of art.

# 11

As Thanksgiving approaches I can't help but get stressed out... I'm anticipating over-eating and obsessing over which fat jeans to wear, rehearsing to be that perfect little angel so the old folks don't have a heart attack from my behavior, not the gravy and planning my escape route... You act like I'm the only one.

And with that I will leave you with some quotes that really bring tears to my eyes and fill my heart with gratitude:

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day." -Irv Kupcinet

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." -Jon Stewart

"Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often." -Johnny Carson

And last but not least, the worst Thanksgiving Day Poem... ever:

"Turkey, Turkey"

Turkey, turkey
you're good to eat
Turkey, turkey
I love your meat.
Turkey, turkey
with stuffing.
Turkey, turkey
with gravy.
Turkey, turkey
Thanksgiving!

- Gary R. Hess

Which, with my mind, could put me on Santa's naughty list...

# 9

You know what is more amazing than Fridays? Thursdays that are actually Fridays. Yep. Today is my Friday. I'm going for a little weekend trip with the ladies. I am so damned excited and this day is dragging along... Why is it when there's fun plans ahead the mandatory stuff, like work, feels like it takes twice as long.

Ya know I've had a pretty crazy week... Last weekend's Halloween party went over lovely; I went as a pirate wench. I had lots of help with the decorations and they turned out great.

I've been gathering boxes cause I'm moving in less than a month... eek. And I'm out of town for half this month. I hate packing, but I have sworn up and down that I will not just throw everything into boxes and go. I want to sift through it all and only take what I need. I went through my clothes last night because we're doing a clothes swap this weekend. Why do I still find it difficult to get rid of those too small jeans... I guess we'll call it hope. I'm gonna hope my fatass into those jeans.

Also, my boyfriend was in a wreck. He actually hit a drunk driver... well the drunk ran the red light, so it's not my honey's fault. He is perfectly fine too, which is just nuts if you look at his car. He does have a small scratch on his arm but that's it. So lucky.

Well, this killed 5 minutes...