# 36

I am officially old. Yes, O-L-D. I wonder when other people hit this realization and how they felt. For me it went a little something like this...

We're headed to dinner and some asshole went flying past us.

"Holy shit, that guy is speeding... and was that his music? It was way too loud..." Realizing mid-sentence what I was saying and what it really meant, I tried to justify "... I mean, his system sounds totally shitty."

How do you justify being old. In an act to pretend to be young and hip I cranked up the radio. I winced and immediately turned it back down, it was on talk radio...


*sigh*

# 35

Life. What's the meaning of life. That's not really a question... I don't think. Is it to merely exist or survive? Or is it more? What is the purpose of your life? How did you get here? Why are you here? Boy, I'm full of questions today. I may have a few answers. Yes you lucky eight people who follow me will find out the meaning of life.

I know I exist for one reason. Selfishness. About 26 years ago, two people felt the need to feel extreme euphoria, then the condom broke. So here I sit, having to deal with the fact that my parents at some point had sex. I try to figure out why I am the way I am. Why I have to deal with the consequences of how two people decided I should be raised.

So back to meaning. There's a theory that this supreme being put us here and allowed us to multiply because we're weak and feel loneliness. "I'm lonely... I think I'll stick my dick in her" And so the madness began.

I was watching something, maybe the World's Most Amazing Events or some retardly uninteresting educational show, that goes against everything I was taught. The "amazing events" really got me thinking. There's a purpose for damn near every animal on this planet. Mostly, they serve to feed one another. But some, like Hippos help to irrigate the land. So then what is the purpose of land? Do you see how this gets confusing? Well the land feeds the herbivores and the herbivores feed the carnivores, in some instances the carnivores feed each other. Some are cannibals. So basically every animals purpose is to eat.

So you may ask yourself 2 things: 1. where am I going with all this elementary nonsense and 2. what does this have to do with me. Well, first I'm just trying to show you how smart I am. I can converse with a 6 year old. I know, it's pretty amazing. Second, nothing. Nothing really.

I guess what I don't get is how scientists and biologists and other-ists can stalk animals and figure out their purpose. But when I have a stalker I call the police. Oops, maybe that was a scientist trying to figure out the meaning of my life.

I know the purpose of my life is to be happy. Which still goes back to selfishness. But most people find happiness in material things or other people. Happiness is something I believe is a choice. So if I can choose to be happy and then I don't need you, or food or a car or cute clothes.

Crap. Before I could tell you my theory about life, I just proved it wrong. Right there in those last few sentences. Now I'm even more confused. I'll have to get back to you on the meaning of life.

# 30

So I'm obsessed with Natalie Dee... like you can't tell. And maybe I'm a little late getting to the party, but whatev. So so so fucking happy it's Friday. Been a busy week, I know you have all missed my mind-blowing posts, just stay on the edge of your seat... I'm sure to disappoint momentarily.

# 28

Funny Fucking Shit Friday...

If you've seen my blog, or read it you know tact and class are words even super trailer park white trash would not use to describe me... So if you're offended easily... wait, what the hell are you doing here. Go find some Jesus blog to read.

Without further... erm adoouu... uh edeww... you get it, right... Here's some Funny (Fucked Up) Fucking Shit.








Ok, really. Breathe. I had to remind myself to breathe. So many things wrong with this picture. Not only does it look like my BFF but really? It's like from the 80's and how did it get on the internet now? I know if I was her I'd be pissed. Unless this is some sweet ass party trick and she posted this shit. Then amen sister, you are my new hero... no over here, hey I'm over here...

I just love these little guys. I mean they're so cute and mean and perverted and raunchy and just great... *resists urge to post 18 Cyanide & Happiness comics*

Now here's some parenting I can get with...

Hope you have a wonderful fucking Friday...

# 26

FutureMe.org

What a great site. You can write letters to your future self. I've been doing it for about a year now and it's amazing how I always tell myself exactly what I need to hear. I got an email from my past self today...

Dear FutureMe,

Hey today's Kelly's birthday, don't forget!

So how's the new place with Alan? Have you got it all fixed up yet? Get those boxes out of the house!!! now! Un pack them already! Get organized.

Did you get a bunch of shit for Christmas that you won't use??? Hey just be grateful that there are people who thought of you, you ungrateful bitch!

Are you still working at the same place? Wishing you worked somewhere else? I bet, you always do.

Have you pretended to make resolutions, to which you will never keep, or did you just not even kid yourself this year? Get off your ass, use the fitness center...

Are you still a coupon whore? I bet... Why don't you try putting the money you save into your savings?! Huh what a fucking concept! Get on that shit yo, like today. You might have a vacation one day.

Ok, quit being so hard on yourself... it's tough love and you know you love you... whoa that's not confusing.

Do something nice for yourself today. And for him.

xoxoxo

And there you have it you. Go ahead write yourself a letter, you know you want to... What would you tell yourself a year from now?

# 22.5

So Christmas was great and I'm not gonna be all retarded like and spout off all the cool shit I got. Unless you want me to. My Aunt gave me a gift card to Bath & Body Works so I went there on my lunch break.

First I have to say after Christmas sales rock my mother fucking socks. I got 4 of those awesome hand soaps for $10.01. That should last me a while.

Second, Jasmine Vanilla Aromatherapy scented crap makes my panties wet. Drip. For real. I think I will go to Bath & Body Works everyday on my lunch break and use their yummy lotion and body spray. My hands smell so amazing that I didn't want to wash them after I pottied. Really. Fuck it if I peed all over them, they smell fucking great. I did however pretend to wash them, I ran the water, picked at this stupid fucking zit and turned the water off. Now I have puss and piss on my hand, but they smell fucking fantastic. To bad they don't make jasmine vanilla antibacterial gel stuff. Would it gross you out less if I just used that stuff?

If you would like to send above mentioned products I can give you my address. Or you could just go smell them yourself and not wash your hands.

# 21

Christmas Eve Eve. Thank god I didn't have any money this year and was done shopping 2 weeks ago. I'm usually one of those crazy bitches running around buying more useless crap for people I only see once a year. Then I'm disappointed when my well thought out, well planned gift, obviously bought from Walgreens and quite possibly torn from a five year old's hands doesn't produce the tears of joy I was expecting.

Christmas used to be fun and I know what happened. First I found out Santa was a big fat lie. Then my greedy ass pretended to believe until I was 11 or 12 so I'd get more presents. Then my parents divorced, score two Christmas'! Wrong, my dad remarried to some gold diggin white trash bar whore and her kids got TV's & CD players. When ended up with fucking mini skirts and coloring books from Family Dollar. No more badass stockings from my mom... Then I moved out on my own and had bills.

Christmas is like sex. I used to shave, shower, brush my teeth, floss and put on clean panties... Now I roll over with morning breath, matted hair and a giant bush.

Okay, not really, but maybe you get the point.

# 20

I suck at Christmas. We opened our stockings on Friday. "Christmas is only a week away". We're good at justifying things. One of the only things I did right this year was send out cards and give my family my new address. I didn't tell them I am living with my boyfriend, and we got a new place. I'm a sinner; they probably assume that's the case. My family is so judgemental; they give Christians a bad name. That's all I'm gonna say about Jesus fearing folks.



My car was iced over this morning; it's fucking Texas for fucks sake. My heater is busted and I chose to have Christmas and pay bills rather than fix it. Thank god for seat warmers. Still, it doesn't change the fact that I freeze my vagina off every morning. It's not enough that I couldn't find my scarf and forgot my gloves, but my car feels it's completely necessary to beep at me when the temperature is below 40. The best part is the cute little snowflake that pops up... no fucking shit! It's COLD!


So at a certain point the defroster blowing air at Arctic temperatures doesn't work... My windshield is useless. I used an extra hoodie to wipe it down. I'm that crazy bitch flying down the road straining to see you. It stresses me out; so I light up. This requires me to roll down the window. It gets colder. I sit in traffic, smoke my cigarette, sit on which ever hand feels the most numb and decide it would be a great idea to ash in my lap. Fun. The light changes and I haul ass around some douche bag in a truck and in turn spill my delightfully hot coffee... I'm grateful for the warmth.


And I tell you all this to say that there's a lesson in everything. Sinners are gay, and gays are sinners. I'm not gay. No I don't think that's the point. The point is... I'm a sinner for living with my boyfriend, having pre-marital sex on Sunday morning instead of going to church, therefore God broke my heater and is punishing me by not giving me a raise. There I said it.

# 19.5

I finished his stocking last night. I picked up one of these little manikin guys and UNO. Oh and some slippers, which were way to big to fit inside*.

Don't mind me as I use this outlet to kill more time and make this a successfully unproductive day...

Go on, put the 'Ho' in Holiday with these nifty Holiday pick up lines that are sure to be a hit at any company Holiday party. That is assuming that your company is having a Holiday party; I mean after all they did freeze your salary, stop matching your 401k and stopped buying coffee for the office*.

• Wanna stuff my stocking?
• How about you slip down my chimney?
• I'm gonna bring joy to your world*
• I have a mistletoe belt.
• I have something for you to unwrap.
• How about some dark meat?
• Want to deck my halls?
• I see you when you're sleeping...
• Is that a candy cane in your pocket? Oh shit... that's sad.
• My vagina smells like Fabreze*

* That's what she said
* Why do I still work here?
* and by world, I mean cock.
* Yes, you're right, that has nothing to do with Christmas.

# 10

I love how most blogs have those great posts like: Wordless Wednesday, Manic Monday, Etc, Etc... I am not that consistent. I did have that one Fucking Funny Shit Friday, but it was only that once.

So all morning I have been trying to come up with a witty little Wednesday post... Oooh Witty Wednesday, I hadn't even thought of that. *ponders*

*done pondering*

So I had thought of maybe: Wacky, Wishful Thinking, Wandering Thoughts, WTF... I could go on and on and pollute the Internet that much more, but I won't. And furthermore I won't even really post anything of substance. Maybe I should have posted this yesterday for Thank God It's Not Monday, Tuesday.

So thanks for tuning in for Witty Wonderfully Wacky... Wait is it Wednesday??