# 36

I am officially old. Yes, O-L-D. I wonder when other people hit this realization and how they felt. For me it went a little something like this...

We're headed to dinner and some asshole went flying past us.

"Holy shit, that guy is speeding... and was that his music? It was way too loud..." Realizing mid-sentence what I was saying and what it really meant, I tried to justify "... I mean, his system sounds totally shitty."

How do you justify being old. In an act to pretend to be young and hip I cranked up the radio. I winced and immediately turned it back down, it was on talk radio...


*sigh*

# 24

Dear 2009,

Thanks for being a pretty awesome year. I wasted a majority of you on the Internets and I vow not to treat 2010 with such disrespect. You gave me lots of laughs and gas. You taught me that it is ok to love and be loved. You helped me discover that I rather enjoy cussing and cooking. You showed me how to get out of my comfort zone and how to get more than my big toe wet. You opened my eyes to the beauty of waking up before dawn. You broadened my horizons and opened my legs. You made my family grow. You showed me how to be ok with myself and taught me that it's ok to take 3 shits a day. You also taught me that life is precious and I may as well enjoy being in debt. For all these things and more I thank you and send you away with warm thoughts and welcome 2010 with open arms.

Farewell my dear friend,

RBabe

PS Bloody Poop is not funny.

PPS Tell 2010 that Jenny does not want anymore bloody poop.

# 19.5

I finished his stocking last night. I picked up one of these little manikin guys and UNO. Oh and some slippers, which were way to big to fit inside*.

Don't mind me as I use this outlet to kill more time and make this a successfully unproductive day...

Go on, put the 'Ho' in Holiday with these nifty Holiday pick up lines that are sure to be a hit at any company Holiday party. That is assuming that your company is having a Holiday party; I mean after all they did freeze your salary, stop matching your 401k and stopped buying coffee for the office*.

• Wanna stuff my stocking?
• How about you slip down my chimney?
• I'm gonna bring joy to your world*
• I have a mistletoe belt.
• I have something for you to unwrap.
• How about some dark meat?
• Want to deck my halls?
• I see you when you're sleeping...
• Is that a candy cane in your pocket? Oh shit... that's sad.
• My vagina smells like Fabreze*

* That's what she said
* Why do I still work here?
* and by world, I mean cock.
* Yes, you're right, that has nothing to do with Christmas.

# 12

Black Friday - Cyber Monday... blah blah blah. The names we've given these days sound really umm politically correct. I'm one of those folks who won't be caught dead anywhere on Black Friday other than my house or a Starbucks. Fuck the holiday rush and these crazy mo-fo's who find it necessary to maul each other over sale prices. I did however do a little cybering today. giggle. Only after my boss said:

"Oh yea, it's Cyber Monday... better not buy anything on-line today, they'll be keeping a close eye on us"

No I'm not defiant... oh well... here's the Etsy goods I got:

From Dee at Barefoot Bath and Body, for gift baskets for the ladies...

must.

actually.

give.

these.

away.

From standard, for me and 2 dear friends... maybe. I'm so selfish.

From the Amazing Tina Carroll, for me, my guy and our new apartment... hello wall of art.

From Flapperdoodle, for me, the guy and the apartment... wall of art.

# 11

As Thanksgiving approaches I can't help but get stressed out... I'm anticipating over-eating and obsessing over which fat jeans to wear, rehearsing to be that perfect little angel so the old folks don't have a heart attack from my behavior, not the gravy and planning my escape route... You act like I'm the only one.

And with that I will leave you with some quotes that really bring tears to my eyes and fill my heart with gratitude:

"An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day." -Irv Kupcinet

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." -Jon Stewart

"Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often." -Johnny Carson

And last but not least, the worst Thanksgiving Day Poem... ever:

"Turkey, Turkey"

Turkey, turkey
you're good to eat
Turkey, turkey
I love your meat.
Turkey, turkey
with stuffing.
Turkey, turkey
with gravy.
Turkey, turkey
Thanksgiving!

- Gary R. Hess

Which, with my mind, could put me on Santa's naughty list...