# 36

I am officially old. Yes, O-L-D. I wonder when other people hit this realization and how they felt. For me it went a little something like this...

We're headed to dinner and some asshole went flying past us.

"Holy shit, that guy is speeding... and was that his music? It was way too loud..." Realizing mid-sentence what I was saying and what it really meant, I tried to justify "... I mean, his system sounds totally shitty."

How do you justify being old. In an act to pretend to be young and hip I cranked up the radio. I winced and immediately turned it back down, it was on talk radio...


*sigh*

# 35

Life. What's the meaning of life. That's not really a question... I don't think. Is it to merely exist or survive? Or is it more? What is the purpose of your life? How did you get here? Why are you here? Boy, I'm full of questions today. I may have a few answers. Yes you lucky eight people who follow me will find out the meaning of life.

I know I exist for one reason. Selfishness. About 26 years ago, two people felt the need to feel extreme euphoria, then the condom broke. So here I sit, having to deal with the fact that my parents at some point had sex. I try to figure out why I am the way I am. Why I have to deal with the consequences of how two people decided I should be raised.

So back to meaning. There's a theory that this supreme being put us here and allowed us to multiply because we're weak and feel loneliness. "I'm lonely... I think I'll stick my dick in her" And so the madness began.

I was watching something, maybe the World's Most Amazing Events or some retardly uninteresting educational show, that goes against everything I was taught. The "amazing events" really got me thinking. There's a purpose for damn near every animal on this planet. Mostly, they serve to feed one another. But some, like Hippos help to irrigate the land. So then what is the purpose of land? Do you see how this gets confusing? Well the land feeds the herbivores and the herbivores feed the carnivores, in some instances the carnivores feed each other. Some are cannibals. So basically every animals purpose is to eat.

So you may ask yourself 2 things: 1. where am I going with all this elementary nonsense and 2. what does this have to do with me. Well, first I'm just trying to show you how smart I am. I can converse with a 6 year old. I know, it's pretty amazing. Second, nothing. Nothing really.

I guess what I don't get is how scientists and biologists and other-ists can stalk animals and figure out their purpose. But when I have a stalker I call the police. Oops, maybe that was a scientist trying to figure out the meaning of my life.

I know the purpose of my life is to be happy. Which still goes back to selfishness. But most people find happiness in material things or other people. Happiness is something I believe is a choice. So if I can choose to be happy and then I don't need you, or food or a car or cute clothes.

Crap. Before I could tell you my theory about life, I just proved it wrong. Right there in those last few sentences. Now I'm even more confused. I'll have to get back to you on the meaning of life.

# 34

Random Extraordinary Things About Me:

• I like pepper jack cheese the most.
• I can curl my tongue.
• I can cross my eyes, wink and raise one eyebrow. We call this flirting.
• If a recipe calls for egg whites, I say fuck this. I love the yolks, what's wrong with yolks?? Fuckin jerks...
• I have nothing fancy to wear on Valentine's Day. I do have a red sweater. I know, SEXXXY.
• I'm going to do another direct deposit advance so I can go shopping. Hey, a girl has got to have priorities. tyvm.

That is all. Now quit looking at me like I haven't been here in ages. for fucks sake.

# 33

I'm a slacker. I have nothing seriously funny to show you today. Why must you always take, take, TAKE! When is it my turn to TAKE?! Huh?! When will you step up to the plate and show me some fucking funny shit?



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I can wait.

# 32

Ok, I'm sure you're tired of hearing about my bodily functions and seeing Natalie Dee comics posted. You probably find yourself wondering if I will ever post anything of substance. You wonder why or how you stumbled upon my blog and didn't run away immediately... or even worse, why are you following me? You my dear blog reader should hang your head in shame.

So get used to my bodily functions, everyone in my real life has... and my erratic unhealthy obsessions to random shit on the internet and beyond. After all you are a little part of that.

Speaking of bodily functions... kidding... Yea, so I decided that I would start working out again. It's been about 4 or 5 months since I've been to the gym. And even then, I went once, saw some hot bitch running her ass off on the treadmill, barely breaking a sweat and I said fuck this shit. This time I'm determined. Ok, so determination is not something I have, but maybe there's something lacking in my character that is forcing me to the gym.

Might it be the jealousy? Maybe I'm seeking the approval of someone else. Either way, I'm not gonna complain, I'm back at the gym. Now I just need to work on this eating right stuff.

# 31

Nothing makes me happier than taking a really big shit.



This has been the first installment of...



Random things about yours truly that you could probably go your entire life with out knowing.

# 30

So I'm obsessed with Natalie Dee... like you can't tell. And maybe I'm a little late getting to the party, but whatev. So so so fucking happy it's Friday. Been a busy week, I know you have all missed my mind-blowing posts, just stay on the edge of your seat... I'm sure to disappoint momentarily.

# 29

I've been spending the better half of the day searching random words on Natalie Dee. Go ahead an give it a whirl, you won't regret it.

# 28

Funny Fucking Shit Friday...

If you've seen my blog, or read it you know tact and class are words even super trailer park white trash would not use to describe me... So if you're offended easily... wait, what the hell are you doing here. Go find some Jesus blog to read.

Without further... erm adoouu... uh edeww... you get it, right... Here's some Funny (Fucked Up) Fucking Shit.








Ok, really. Breathe. I had to remind myself to breathe. So many things wrong with this picture. Not only does it look like my BFF but really? It's like from the 80's and how did it get on the internet now? I know if I was her I'd be pissed. Unless this is some sweet ass party trick and she posted this shit. Then amen sister, you are my new hero... no over here, hey I'm over here...

I just love these little guys. I mean they're so cute and mean and perverted and raunchy and just great... *resists urge to post 18 Cyanide & Happiness comics*

Now here's some parenting I can get with...

Hope you have a wonderful fucking Friday...

# 27

What's with the random shoes laying in the middle of the street. Am I the only one who sees this going on? Does it only happen here? Do you notice that its usually only sneakers? Dirty, beaten up poor little ol knock off Nike's. I never see a red stiletto hangin out in the median. That would make more since to me; heels are torture. Never in pairs and I can't but help wonder. Where are the socks? Or sock?

Did you leave the house this morning with only one shoe because that's all you could find... decide half way to work, fuck it, shoes are over rated and tossed that bitch out the window??

Was this poor shoe ripped from your foot in a heated argument, and your punishment is a cold left foot?

Did you have an overwhelming case of road rage, and when you reached for your nine you found a Reebok instead?

So many unanswered questions...

# 26

FutureMe.org

What a great site. You can write letters to your future self. I've been doing it for about a year now and it's amazing how I always tell myself exactly what I need to hear. I got an email from my past self today...

Dear FutureMe,

Hey today's Kelly's birthday, don't forget!

So how's the new place with Alan? Have you got it all fixed up yet? Get those boxes out of the house!!! now! Un pack them already! Get organized.

Did you get a bunch of shit for Christmas that you won't use??? Hey just be grateful that there are people who thought of you, you ungrateful bitch!

Are you still working at the same place? Wishing you worked somewhere else? I bet, you always do.

Have you pretended to make resolutions, to which you will never keep, or did you just not even kid yourself this year? Get off your ass, use the fitness center...

Are you still a coupon whore? I bet... Why don't you try putting the money you save into your savings?! Huh what a fucking concept! Get on that shit yo, like today. You might have a vacation one day.

Ok, quit being so hard on yourself... it's tough love and you know you love you... whoa that's not confusing.

Do something nice for yourself today. And for him.

xoxoxo

And there you have it you. Go ahead write yourself a letter, you know you want to... What would you tell yourself a year from now?

# 25

The new year has come an gone, or it's still here... Depends on how you see things. For me it's kind of like a birthday except I don't presents... Everything still feels the same and for whatever reason I feel like it shouldn't. New year, no big deal. I feel like I should make some resolutions (have I already touched on this) but I feel like I missed the party. Hell, it's already the 4th.

I have alot going on at work and home and somehow I manage to either obsessively check my email or play Build-A-Lot and never really get anything done. Needless to say, I'm still procrastinating. I'm not taking responsibility for some dumb ass project at work. I could get all ranty here, but I'll pretend it doesn't bother me that much.

So check it out... I'm not gonna let shit rent space in my head. I'm not going to finish anything by it's deadline. I will be late for everything. And thanks to these stupid computer games; I probably won't have a sex life either... no wait, that can't be right...

In other news, I saw Avatar in 3D and it was bad-muthafuckin-ass. I'm kinda glad the IMAX was sold out, just plain old regular 3D made me a little nauseous. Either way, best 11 bucks I ever spent. Don't wait for this one to come out on DVD, seriously, you'll be highly disappointed if you do.