# 36

I am officially old. Yes, O-L-D. I wonder when other people hit this realization and how they felt. For me it went a little something like this...

We're headed to dinner and some asshole went flying past us.

"Holy shit, that guy is speeding... and was that his music? It was way too loud..." Realizing mid-sentence what I was saying and what it really meant, I tried to justify "... I mean, his system sounds totally shitty."

How do you justify being old. In an act to pretend to be young and hip I cranked up the radio. I winced and immediately turned it back down, it was on talk radio...


*sigh*

# 35

Life. What's the meaning of life. That's not really a question... I don't think. Is it to merely exist or survive? Or is it more? What is the purpose of your life? How did you get here? Why are you here? Boy, I'm full of questions today. I may have a few answers. Yes you lucky eight people who follow me will find out the meaning of life.

I know I exist for one reason. Selfishness. About 26 years ago, two people felt the need to feel extreme euphoria, then the condom broke. So here I sit, having to deal with the fact that my parents at some point had sex. I try to figure out why I am the way I am. Why I have to deal with the consequences of how two people decided I should be raised.

So back to meaning. There's a theory that this supreme being put us here and allowed us to multiply because we're weak and feel loneliness. "I'm lonely... I think I'll stick my dick in her" And so the madness began.

I was watching something, maybe the World's Most Amazing Events or some retardly uninteresting educational show, that goes against everything I was taught. The "amazing events" really got me thinking. There's a purpose for damn near every animal on this planet. Mostly, they serve to feed one another. But some, like Hippos help to irrigate the land. So then what is the purpose of land? Do you see how this gets confusing? Well the land feeds the herbivores and the herbivores feed the carnivores, in some instances the carnivores feed each other. Some are cannibals. So basically every animals purpose is to eat.

So you may ask yourself 2 things: 1. where am I going with all this elementary nonsense and 2. what does this have to do with me. Well, first I'm just trying to show you how smart I am. I can converse with a 6 year old. I know, it's pretty amazing. Second, nothing. Nothing really.

I guess what I don't get is how scientists and biologists and other-ists can stalk animals and figure out their purpose. But when I have a stalker I call the police. Oops, maybe that was a scientist trying to figure out the meaning of my life.

I know the purpose of my life is to be happy. Which still goes back to selfishness. But most people find happiness in material things or other people. Happiness is something I believe is a choice. So if I can choose to be happy and then I don't need you, or food or a car or cute clothes.

Crap. Before I could tell you my theory about life, I just proved it wrong. Right there in those last few sentences. Now I'm even more confused. I'll have to get back to you on the meaning of life.

# 26

FutureMe.org

What a great site. You can write letters to your future self. I've been doing it for about a year now and it's amazing how I always tell myself exactly what I need to hear. I got an email from my past self today...

Dear FutureMe,

Hey today's Kelly's birthday, don't forget!

So how's the new place with Alan? Have you got it all fixed up yet? Get those boxes out of the house!!! now! Un pack them already! Get organized.

Did you get a bunch of shit for Christmas that you won't use??? Hey just be grateful that there are people who thought of you, you ungrateful bitch!

Are you still working at the same place? Wishing you worked somewhere else? I bet, you always do.

Have you pretended to make resolutions, to which you will never keep, or did you just not even kid yourself this year? Get off your ass, use the fitness center...

Are you still a coupon whore? I bet... Why don't you try putting the money you save into your savings?! Huh what a fucking concept! Get on that shit yo, like today. You might have a vacation one day.

Ok, quit being so hard on yourself... it's tough love and you know you love you... whoa that's not confusing.

Do something nice for yourself today. And for him.

xoxoxo

And there you have it you. Go ahead write yourself a letter, you know you want to... What would you tell yourself a year from now?